there will always be this inferior complex in me. the result of growing up criticised, made fun of, insulted, octracized. my peers in pri and sec sch might not realise this but everything that was done to me, it left a mark in me somehow.

in pri sch, when i walked into the class, the whole class of guys ran out cuz i was too ugly and disgusting. it might be some childish joke, but it left a mark in my child memory. and sadly i still remember it till now.

in sec sch, every guy i had a crush on was made fun of.
the time when i was in npcc, fall-in in my squad, this senior guy who found out tat one of the girls had a crush on his fren, yt, ran out of the room and asked who like him. and guess wat he do when he found out it's me. he stood in front of me and exploded with laughter. imagine how i felt. humiliated. totally.
once when i told a good fren tat i had this crush on this cute guy whom she knows, she was like, "forget it la. he will NEVER like u. NEVER LOR." instead of the usual teasing that normal frens would do, she throw harsh words back in my face.
during one of the annual camps in npcc, i was in the same group with these 2 guys. the 2 guys who made my life miserable during the camp. whenever i walk near the group, the 2 guys would react as though i'm someone with some horrible infectious disease and move away as far as they can, at the same time giving me disgusted looks. imagine how i felt.

small and yet impactful incidents shaped my inferior complex. i began to really believe myself to be ugly, ostracized, not worthy of normal treatment of a human being. it all left a scar.
it might be just some naughty pranks that little kids play, but it screwed up my esteem system. ppl say forget, but it burnt a mark in me to remind me how ugly i am, which affects me until now.

now that i've grown up, changed. walk a different path from my sec sch peers now. but even when i meet them on streets, on trains, i'll try to hide and shy away. even for gatherings, i avoid. for the fear of hearing those harsh remarks again. even when i'm different now, i fear watever kind of insults that they can come up with.
"she looks ok now cuz got makeup to cover up her ugliness. the ugliness we saw in sec sch."
"she's in nus now but she's so freaking proud and stuck up. she think she's so great but acutally she is just someone who's below average."

somewhere along this line. u get wat i mean.
it feels like i'm only fit for insults and criticism.

there, this is the big part that contributes to my inferior complex now. the reason why i often think ppl are lying when i receive compliments. the reason why i avoid them when i see them outside now.
my unique process of growing up i would say.
so i'll give another gathering a miss.